Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
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Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.