A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
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HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*