I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
We have a winner.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?