On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
You Might Also Like
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Doctors texting each other.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.