If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
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The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I have no passwords left in me
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!