I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
This is a whole mood;
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.