just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
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Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
😜
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices