Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
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[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun