I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
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Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
They’re stuck in your pants?
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My new favorite headline
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?