I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
You Might Also Like
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Breaking news:
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.