Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
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*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.