The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
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“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”