I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
dutch is not a serious language
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
get you a girl who
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
o shit
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera