You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono