TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
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[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.