Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
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[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.