You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah