She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Worst bar ever.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!