me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
You Might Also Like
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Scream sneezers need love too.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed