Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
*watches the world burn*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.