The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
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Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
How wrong was this guy?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*