Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
You Might Also Like
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me checking my bank balance online.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.