Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
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[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Nomnomnomnom
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.