My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
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You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I miss this era type of pranks😭
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever