Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
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Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.