I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
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Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.