Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
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My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.