centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…