Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Bike for sale
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Acronyms got me like WTF?
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.