Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
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Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet