Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
how it started vs how it ended
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.