Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
You Might Also Like
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Thursday Thought.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.