If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
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Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.