I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
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I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen