I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…