We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner