My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
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if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…