“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
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Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.