Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
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paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands