ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
You Might Also Like
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
A dad and his duck
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.