No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“you changed” bro i was 15
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes