me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
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*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
How does one answer this?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS