A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
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The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.