There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.