My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
You Might Also Like
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.