I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
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On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
happy mother’s day❤️
secret recipe
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
*launders Kohls cash*
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat