Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
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“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk