[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car