Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
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If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.