if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
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The three genders
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Anyone want a chair?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings